By John Jalsevac

(After a stressful three weeks filling in for news editor John-Henry Westen who has been galavanting around India)

"These results are astounding and strangely anti-intuitive," explained researcher Dr. Gaudia to Phasmatis News Service. "The results of this research go against all of our expectations. I mean, right now there's war over in Lebanon and Israel, people are starving to death in third world countries, and everywhere you look it seems people are generally unhappy and depressed. But despite all that, this research has proved beyond a doubt that in fact everything's ok."

"Personally," he said, "I'm quite relieved. I think I'm going to take a few days off, go home, spend some time with my family and smoke a good cigar or two. I mean, why not?"

"At first I had to admit that I was a little sceptical," he added. "But then I really started thinking.

"I mean, if you've taken even a glance at modern physics you'll know that the universe never really is intuitive. In fact, sometimes it's just an infuriatingly mind-bending place to live in. So why not? What if everything is ok? Maybe it's just something that we can't really see clearly. But there it is. It just the way it is, and we have to accept that. Everything's ok." 

The unexpected results of what the researchers have said has been a several decades long, top-secret project that analyzed the most difficult questions about life, the universe and everything, and which compiled enormous amounts of data on every topic known to man, has taken the world by storm.

Saddam Hussein, the imprisoned ex-dictator of Iraq is reported to have been deeply shaken by the conclusion of the research. "If everything's ok," he remarked to his guards, "why have I been killing all those people for so many years? I wish I had known this sooner. If I had I probably would have spent a lot less time killing people and a lot more time swimming."

Some experts have already speculated that the study will have an enormous impact on the Middle East, along the same lines as the personal effect that it is said to have had upon the former Iraqi dictator.

Already one firefight in Southern Lebanon is reported to have come to a premature end when a communications officer who had just received the news over his radio stepped into the middle of the battlefield, yelling, "Hey! Stop everyone! Everything's ok!".

Both Israeli and Hizbollah soldiers lay down their weapons and rather sheepishly apologized to one another.

"Sorry about that," said Corporal Asher to the Hizbollah soldier he had tried to kill with a grenade moments earlier. "Silly sort of thing to do in retrospect. Do you want to go swimming?"

"Oh yes, absolutely," the unnamed Hizollah soldier reportedly responded. "I do like swimming.

The news of this research has also come as a pleasant surprise to many in the pro-life movement.

"This is really great news," said Steve Jalsevac, the managing director of LifeSiteNews.com, at a press conference of pro-life leaders. "I mean, I was looking back at all the stories that we've been running this past week, and for a moment there I really wasn't so sure. What with doctors killing their patients and polygamy and embryonic stem cell research and whatnot, for a moment there¡­"

"But now, to be perfectly honest, I have to admit that I don't know what got into me. So there you have it, everything's ok, and I'm glad that after this somewhat gruesome week we can tell our readers that really, everything's ok.

"I know it might not look like it on the surface sometimes," he added. "And I suppose we've got to keep doing our part, which will continue to be difficult and sometimes depressing, even with this new assurance. Personally I'm not sure that this study is going to bring a sudden end to all the evil in the world. But either way it's refreshing to know that that's just the way it is¡ªin some mysterious, fundamental, eternal sense that we don't always see on the surface of things, everything's ok, under control, and following the plan of the Big Man."

"Hey everybody!" LifeSiteNews.com's editor John-Henry Westen exclaimed happily when asked if he had any remarks for today's news. "Everything's ok. Isn't that great? Why not go swimming or something? I know that's what I'm gonna do."

According to witnesses John-Henry did in fact then take his wife and very happy seven children swimming.

Although most who have heard about the study have admitted that never had they even once suspected that the universe was actually ok, there have been a very few who have expressed little surprise at the outcome of the research.

"Duh!" said Pope Benedict the XVI  when asked for his comments on the study's results.